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18th February 2009

3:29pm: Milk thistle, milk thistle,
Let me down slow,
Help me down slow,
I've been hurryin' on,
I'm not scared of nothin',
And I'll go pound for pound,
I keep death on my mind,
Like a heavy crown.
If I go to heaven,
I'll be bored as hell,
Like a little baby,
At the bottom of a well.

Fair child, fair child,
How are you man?
Did you fix that storefront?
Did you start that band?
Don't be scared of nothin',
You go pound for pound,
You'll bring peace to midnight,
Like a spotted owl.
I'll be rootin' for you,
Like my favorite team,
If somebody sweats you,
You just point 'em out to me.

All the sights and sounds,
This little world's too crowded now,
And there's only one way out.
An elevator ride,
Through the tunnel towards the light,
And I know where bound,
Keep going up and down,
Up and down.

Newspaper, newspaper
Can't take no more,
You're here every morning,
Waitin' at my door.
And I'm just tryin' to kiss you,
And you stab my eyes,
Make me blue forever,
Like an Allen sky.
And I'm not pretending,
That it's all okay,
Just let me have my coffee,
Before you take away the day.

Lazarus, Lazarus,
Why all the tears?
Did your faithful chauffer just disappear?
What a lonesome feeling,
To be just waitin' round,
Like some washed up actress,
In a Tinseltown.
But for the record,
I'd come pick you up,
We'll head for the ocean,
Just say when you've had enogh.

All the light and sound,
This little world's too fragile now,
And there's only one way out.
If you let me slide,
I'll do my best to make things right,
And I know where bound,
Keep going up and down,
Up and down.

Milk thistle, milk thistle,
Let me down slow,
Just help me down slow,
I've been carrying on.
I was poised for greatness,
I was down and out
I keep death at my heels
Like a basset hound
If i go to heaven,
I'll be bored as hell,
Like a crying baby at the bottom of a well.

12th February 2009

11:27pm: Roxy Styles


10th February 2009

6:37pm: Missed Connections

thousands of unrequited
echoed stale
against your
autopilot smile
my words just fluttered
like a moth in a cabinet

6th February 2009

11:21pm: Survival
I light a cigarette on the stove
tie my hair in a knot
fasten silver loops to my ears
make coffee
lace my feet into thick black boots

This is how I get through the day
fires that make breathing harder
and the sunsets more beautiful

Mornings I curl into my lover's stomach
let him coax me awake with kisses

When I feel brave
I imagine growing old with him
a lifetime of mornings being licked awake
like a kitten

When I'm scared
I see myself at nineteen
think from Dexatrim and Slimfast
in a blue nylon dress from St. Vincent de Paul's
lips waxed the color of eggplant skin

talking to cut carnations
and the dog
because they have the sense not to answer

I see myself in a hospital
a pale mummy wrapped in sheets that smell of bleach
leaning on the TV stand to get to the bathroom

I remember a friend
who swallowed blue pills with cheap whiskey
but wouldn't let her lover hold her

I finger a scar on my head
where hair won't grow
bite my nails
phone friends to make sure they're all still there

I count food stamps
plan the soup
curse the small pains in the small of my back
make a mask of hairspray and lipstick
Yesterday I counted five delicate orange flowers
growing from the gutter

I am still the child
who watched a family of black ants
march up the side of the new Sears refrigerator
when I could have been out with the other kids
beating a fence with a stick

29th January 2009

12:26am: Weight
What did I give to you
What did you give to me
A nothing-trail of silences that warp in the rain
You said I don't really know the reason
It's just not the same
What a vacant breath and when,
When you say my name

And do you know the weight I'm under
When everything revolves around you
Soon the shoulder falls

All forgotten handshakes
Names like falling leaves
Apathy will spread like wildfire
Take you away from me
I'm leaning out the window
Gonna catch the August rain
I'm gonna fill your mouth up
Make you live again

And do you know the weight I'm under
When everything revolves around you
Soon the shoulder falls.
12:18am: You & I
Don't you worry there my honey
We might not have any money
But we've got our love to pay the bills

Maybe I think you're cute and funny
Maybe I wanna do want bunnies do with you if you know what I mean

Oh lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Well you might be a bit confused
And you might be a little bit bruised
But baby how we spoon like no one else
So I will help you read those books
If you will soothe my worried looks
And we will put the lonesome on the shelf

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I

12th July 2008


10th October 2006

11:45pm: Dear world wide web of vacancy,
I could use a friend.

5th October 2006

1:40pm: Help
can some one help me with some more ideas on how culture and ethnicity effect identity development? being a product of the dominant culture i am sort of at a loss for understanding .

Family is a large influence on identity development. Parenting styles appear to be a huge
factor. Democratic or what I have previously learned to be authoritative parenting
provides a good structure and foundation for identity development. In this type of family
structure adolescents are encouraged to find out who they are by being part of a
democratic family process in which feeling, concerns and opinions are validated. In an
autocratic family structure that I think is the same as what I learned was an authoritarian
structure healthy identity development is not very nourished. In this type of family
structure there is a “my way or the highway” tone to the parenting style. This parenting
style is also known to use harsh punishment, in which case a teenager may be afraid to
show who they are or express opinions for fear of punishment and ridicule. My mother
was definitely a permissive parent and I know from my own experience that permissive
parenting is not helpful in attaining identity achievement. In this sort of a family structure
you are sort of left to just go out and figure it out for yourself. I think identity
achievement took me a lot longer than some other teenagers as a result of this sort of
family structure. Also, families the promote individuality and connectedness are helpful in
identity achievement.

There can be a conflict between maintaining the role of culture in identity while
integrating with the dominant culture. Teenagers who identify themselves with their
ethnic backgrounds also have the task of identify themselves with the dominant culture.
The sense of membership to one’s culture and ethnic background can sometimes be
helpful in identity achievement.

Culture as a whole is a very influential part of identity development. The culture in which
one lives is a very influential factor. Living in our industrialized culture many aspects of
identity are associated with college or a job trade “what I want to be when I grow up”,
etc. Also commercialism plays a role, many people express who they are with the way
they dress, natural foods are not, the type of music they like, the television shows that
interest them, pink, blue or brown hair, etc.

I think gender plays a larger role than was mentioned in our book. We may be aware of
the social construction of the gender roles but that does not mean that they don’t still
exists or that we do not still live in a male dominated culture. Males and females are still
portrayed very differently in the media. Women in commercials usually are either over
sexualized or portrayed as “know all do all moms”. It is frightening to me how many
commercials I have seen for some sort of cleaning product where the know all do all
mom” shows the “lost in a television show worked all day dad” how easy it is to wipe the
counter with this new cleaning product. I know not all commercials segregate the sexes
as much but there is still a lot of it out there. The standard of beauty aimed at women in
the media consists of two large factors; youth and a slender build. This is an issue of
gender. I am ware that cases of eating disorders are on the rise with men but it is still a
problem largely dominated by young women attempting to define themselves by
resembling our culture’s unrealistic standards of beauty. Also, many boys are still raised,
and it is still portrayed in the media that it is not “manly” for men to cry or “talk about
their feelings.” This has to effect identity development when a young man thinks it’s not
okay to be expressive of their feelings. I do think it is more acceptable now than it used
to be but our society still fosters these ideas of the gender roles and creates segregation
between the sexes.

20th September 2006

11:41pm: Just a random piece of writing..

Time Capsule

When I was about sixteen my mother started to keep a “clean house”. I just woke up one morning to neatly made beds. Suddenly family pictures overwhelmed the usually undressed splotchy white walls and my mother stood there in the kitchen, washing the last of the dishes. That morning the echo when we spoke disappeared from the house. The walls looked vaguely like what you might expect had I a “normal” life and a “normal” home, whatever that means. So sixteen years of my childhood vanished that day. My brother and I just went with it as if nothing had ever been different. We accepted our new mom like mom and our new home like house with all the openness teenagers can.
I only lived at home for maybe a year after the incident. To this day, the change has for the most part stuck. I haven’t really been reminded to often of the way things were prior to this until I opened that old junk drawer.
That drawer of hers overflows with bills. The same kind of bills I remember being scattered all over the bar that separated the kitchen from the dining room. My mom would stumble in around ten o’clock at night so intoxicated I wasn’t sure how she had made it home. She would stumble though the door and sit at the bar while I tried to make sense out of the words she could manage to slur. She would continue to mumble and scribble on the bills as if she was accomplishing something. This sort of predictable behavior always led to her call my grandmother explaining that she had in fact ruined her childhood because she had been an alcoholic when she was a kid. I not yet knowing what alcoholism was nor the pains of a table full of scribbled on overdue bills, would find myself in my room. Here I knew all to well no one was going to help me with my math homework would retreat into another book my elementary school teacher had said my mother probably wouldn’t approve of me reading until I was older.
In the morning all those bills would be stuffed in that drawer as if the previous night had been a dream.
Since then the drawer has accumulated more than just bills and has turned into a sort of time capsule. Its still mostly filled with bills that are not quite so overdue.
I think my other hides her pressing matters in the drawer. She has always been overwhelmed when it comes to the subject of money. She has never had a lot of it but I have also learned with time she also has no idea how to manage it. It is as if her paychecks disintegrate in her hands on payday and she has no idea why.
There are two marbles that float around in the drawer. My mother used to like to do art projects with us when we were younger. I remember her having us put a piece of large paper in an aluminum-baking pan. She would then tell us to pick out colors of paint we liked and squirt them onto the paper. Afterwards we would throw in the marbles and shake the pan to roll them around in the paint. We were all so proud of are marble spread swirled colorful works of art. We always did things like this before she began to drink.
The marbles roll around on a CD that is too scratched up to be used. It’s just a blank CD. It’s strange too, because my mother is known to throw everything away, she doesn’t keep much hanging around for sentimental value. Sometimes people hold onto things for no reason at all I guess. In the drawer you can see for a second, that she didn’t always keep a clean house.
There are also two old cell phones in the drawer. They don’t work and were given to my daughter Kaylee to play with. My mother’s house is filled with her toys. The change in my mom along with the changes in the house took place only a few years prior to her being born. Sometimes it feels like it was some sort of fate like preparation. It is obvious, and even the time capsule contains evidence to the fact that Kaylee has become more or less the meaning of her life.

1st August 2006

8:29am: I got the keys yesterday.Now I am just waiting for the elctricity to be turned on. They said tomorrow. Which kind of sucks cause i wanted to get alot of moving done today before my work week starts. But its suppose to be like crazy hot today,so moving to a place with no air conditioner or fan is probably a bad idea.

31st July 2006

12:00pm: I found a two bedroom apartment in walking distance to downtown in northampton. Im moving in this week it looks like..I am so happy i am going to start balling

25th July 2006

10:50am: I keep going round and round on the same old circuit
A wire travels underground to a vacant lot
Where something I can't see interrupts the current
And shrinks the picture down to a tiny dot
And from behind the screen it can look so perfect
But it's not

So here I'm sitting in the car at the same old stoplight
I keep waiting for a change but I don't know what
So red turns into green turning into yellow
But I'm just frozen here on the same old spot
And all I have to do is to press the pedal
But I'm not
No, I'm not

People are tricky, you can't afford to show
Anything risky anything they don't know
The moment you try, you kiss it goodbye

So baby kiss me like a drug like a respirator
And let me fall into the dream of the astronaut
Where I get lost in space that goes on forever
And you make all the rest just an afterthought
And I believe it's you who could make it better
But it's not
No, it's not
No, it's not

15th June 2006

4:34pm: I really don't know how I feel about this
2:04pm: I really want some recent pictures of me that are decent. The most recent pictures i have of me i still have black hair.

13th June 2006

3:45pm: Long weekend I worked 36 hours in three days. It's going to take me awhile to get back into the swing of work, cause I havnt in awhile. Yesterday was an awful day. I think maybe i was just really over tired. Every little thing made me want to cry. iis probably just going to take some getting used to how busy I am going to be.

4th June 2006

5:21pm: It was a good weekend. I met up with a friend of mine from high school. I also saw Xmen 3 two times in two days. Not because I am obsessed with the movie but because i am obsessed with Ian McKellen. Or it just sorta happened that way, but I had no complaints. I start my first summer class tomorrow. I am happy to, I don't like the lack of structure ive felt the last couple weeks. I hate living in holyoke. My family is loopy. I am so anxious for the whole job/apartment search to work out.

24th May 2006

11:17am: Things are pretty well. I am looking for a part time job now. The fall is going to be hectic between school and working. But it will al be worth it. I want to move to Easthampton. Things here in Holyoke could definitely be better, but they are bearable. My allergies are finally getting better. I got all A's this semester. I'm so happy, but I'm going to miss my classes, it was such a good semester. My schedule for the fall rocks though. This summer i am going to take bio 103 compacted into a month. I think its going to suck. I go 8-1 everyday, but i figure the class well be over before I absolutely cant stand it anymore. Stupid mitochondria. I have never been much of a science/math person.. though I would be interested in physics and chemistry if I knew I could handle the math part of it. Anyhow, whats been up with everybody? Live journal seems kinda dead lately.

17th May 2006

11:38pm: I think I am developing astmha. Lots of weezing its kind of scary. it happens especially when i take deep breaths. I have finals tomorrow and my eyes hurt from studying. Right now I just need a break. I have too much caffine in me.
oh yeah I kind of hate my space but i have one now.... http://www.myspace.com/65300890

8th May 2006

10:31am: My allergies are killing me. I woke up this morning and my eyelids were stuck together. Sorry I didn't get in touch with anyone this weekend. I have been very overwhelmed. I have finals next week and most of my final papers are do this week. On top of which I need to find a job i can fit around my class schedule. I heard back from service net today but they want me to volunteer for three months before they will hire me. Basically I will be working with women suffering from PTSD to find creative outlets. They asked me if i would be willing to bring my guitar, books of poetry etc. and that I would be reimbursed for any supplies for other creative projects. So it sounds like a pretty kick ass job. I think its worth the three months of volunteer, which is a time frame in which I will have to get med certified and go through the hippo (client confidentiality) trainings again. The safe passage trainings conflict with my night class in the summer so I am actually thinking of trying to find a different first session class that I need to take. Because this is somewhere I dreamed of working after getting a BA in social work. Again there is a four month volunteer/training period but I think it is worth it. So I am going to have to find a temporary job in the meantime that allows me enough money to move out of here and a enough time to keep up with my classes. So many things to figure out! But I feel creative/hopeful enough to do so. I think the first step is to get through the last two weeks of this semester.

24th April 2006

9:29pm: Psychology papers and Ice Cream
If you comment...

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie/recipe reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you - that I remember.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal so you can do the same for other people.

20th April 2006

8:59am: I hope the rest of the day goes better than my morning did. I'm twenty three today! I am officially an old lady.

9th April 2006

9:54pm: Its almost time for ice cream and Grey's Anatomy. That show always makes me cry. When did i become so sensitive that cheasy tv shows reduce me to tears?
I feel really sad today.
I hate when people you've loved walk by like strangers.
I hate the haze of sadness that confronts me before i sleep at night.
In general, i feel happier than i have felt in awhile. My openess lets the sadness come when it comes, but it also allows it to leave just as easily.
I don't feel like i am just doing what i can to survive anymore. 6 months ago i didnt want to get out of bed until late. i just wanted most of the day to have passed by. being awake felt like torture. sleeping felt like relief. love tuning into another face on the street was what i needed. i think it just makes me sad, the situations, i felt so helpless with, and in standing outside, not understanding, my helplesness.
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